Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
