i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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