did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
