I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
