Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
send nudes
from the living room?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
