i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
