Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
