just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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