Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
My day in three words: secret purse cake
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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