Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
