Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
