I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
