I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize