youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
