Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
