No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
