we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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