I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
