using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
