Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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