my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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