just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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