ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
