There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
