how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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