well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Randomize
