I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
