a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
