I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
