I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
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