My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
