I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
