my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
We left the knife in your bed.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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