I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Help. Why am I so naked?
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