if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
