How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
He did a backflip because drugs
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
