...so i touched it.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
A+ Viking dick
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
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