He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
