Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
