New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
