it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
