What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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