The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Randomize
