allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize