There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
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