I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
