If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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