So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
