Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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