i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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