I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
