omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
