when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
