Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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