I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Randomize
