After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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